I've come to terms with the idea that I live by the motto "Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without," without even thinking about it. Perhaps it's a survival mode left over from those college days of $3.17 in the bank account for two weeks. I'm not sure of the roots, but when others ask what do you think needs improvement, we have this money over here? or even just What do you need for such and such? I really struggle. I've spent no time figuring out what I need that could make something better. My energies have all been focused on what on earth can I do with this that I have right here?
They gave me $560 to spend in my classroom my first year. (Half year, really.) WHAT IN THE HECK DO I DO WITH THIS? I don't have a clue what I'm doing here and you expect me to tell you what supplies I need to DO it?
Finally---after much deliberation---I realized I could use an easel that actually held things up off the ground, Instead of that thing I used to lean other things against. Awkwardly. If they weren't too heavy. But in my haste to spends the funds at the end of the year, I ordered the most expensive easel that probably ever existed. I ordered an easel that probably could have doubled as a major support beam. When the monstrous box marked "EASEL" showed up in my classroom, I left it alone for weeks, afraid to confront the beast, overwhelmed by this over-sized commitment. Where was I going to put that? It became the proverbially ignored elephant in the room in an sort of literal way.
When finally, I had the emotional energy to confront the problem, I found that I had purchased with that precious money, no major support beam. Nor did I have the easel of all easels worthy of displaying the art of the Masters. No. No, I did not. But I did have SIX identical CRAPPY easels.
The point of all this being that I had spent months getting along just fine with or without that blasted easel and this, I feel, is a good thing. But I also see as a good thing, the ability to look around at a situation and say hey, if we do this, we can make this other thing over here, so much better, then find a way to make that happen. So I've been working on that and I find it's working for me.
My principal suggested incorporating a program that important training would be given monthly. The only catch was that many of the teachers would have to get a substitute on the same day once a month. The former me would have said, "Okay. I'll make that work." But the growing me thought about it, developed an opinion, shared that opinion, and found myself changing the course of the outcome. Maybe this comes naturally to many of you, but this is progress for me. I am finding a voice. Troubleshooting. Purposefully allocating resources instead of wasting them on 6 easels (which just take up space in my closet right now. 2 years later.) I see this as a process of moderation. "Moderation in all things" That's what they say. I'm getting the hang of that one too.
