I haven't written much this last year. It's been a hard year and I have a tendency to either tell you everything that's in my head or, out of protection of my heart, tell you nothing. I shared nothing. But I'm excited right now, to show you a little peek of my heart if you're interested. So here's my journal entry from April 3, 2012. It wasn't written with an audience in mind, so hopefully it still comes across alright...
March 30, 2012
April 3, 2012
March was a good month.
Especially the second half. You
see, Paul had this interview that we were feeling really confident about. They didn’t let us know for WEEKS that he
didn’t get the job. I know, we should
have seen that as a sign, but when you REALLY want something, you’re willing to
look right past the red flags, or at least, in this case, remain blind to the
thought that no green flag also means no job—and I don’t know what color flag
that would be. But it was okay. Because happy things just kept
happening.
We were enjoying all these mini-family outings to free places around town. We were hiking to the tops of local islands—and when you are SO far away (literally and figuratively) from the exotic ones, the desert island in the middle of the Salt Lake DOES count. We had birthday parties and early Easter celebrations and warm weather. And everything was still okay. In fact, on March 29th, I told my mother in-law, “We have no plans. None. There is absolutely NOTHING that I can plan past tonight’s dinner. And you know what? I’m okay. I think I am actually being patient to a degree and at a level that I never have been before.” She knows me very well. She was proud.
We were enjoying all these mini-family outings to free places around town. We were hiking to the tops of local islands—and when you are SO far away (literally and figuratively) from the exotic ones, the desert island in the middle of the Salt Lake DOES count. We had birthday parties and early Easter celebrations and warm weather. And everything was still okay. In fact, on March 29th, I told my mother in-law, “We have no plans. None. There is absolutely NOTHING that I can plan past tonight’s dinner. And you know what? I’m okay. I think I am actually being patient to a degree and at a level that I never have been before.” She knows me very well. She was proud.
And then came Friday, March 30th. We had another job interview which was good,
but we were not feeling nearly as confident about this one as the last (and
remember how the last one didn’t work out so well?) But Paul gave it his all, and called and
reported that he had done his best, and he’d be home in an hour or so. When he got home, he kissed my face and I
washed my dinner-prepping hands and folded them across my chest to chat with my
mom and Paul. Paul handed me a paper,
and all I could see on it was a dollar amount.
And then, it clicked. He had the
job. And holy cow, they weren’t going to
be stingy about the compensation either.
I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed some more. And little by little, the weight of a
thousand worries both spoken and too dark to be spoken, were lifted. We celebrated that night. We went out to dinner and saw a movie at the
expensive theater. Then we went to buy a
pregnancy test which I took the next morning.
And guess what?
We have another one on the way.
Seven months of self-doubt, dissolving plans, and bitter
disappointments just turned a page for us.
Update: I am now 15 weeks along, with baby due on December 2. Paul and I have rented a great little apartment in Clearfield, Utah and life is moving along beautifully again. Finally. And about my Grace? Well, frankly, I think she's stunning. OH! And I started sewing.
